I’ve been letting this blog collect dust for too long now, but life just has a habit of getting in the way of what I want to do with a whole list of things that I have to do. Unfortunately, writing a blog post is one of those things that somehow gets put way down at the bottom, and the to do lists are always so much longer than there are hours in a day.
I’ve had this blog post kicking around my head since Christmas. I don’t know where the time went last year, but it felt like it was fall, I blinked my eyes, and all of a sudden it was Christmas Eve. While September thru December is the busiest time of the year for my crafts based business, and I wasn’t able to get a head start on things due to severe DeQuervain’s Tenosyvitis in my left thumb, I usually pull things together for the holidays much better than I did this past Christmas.
We got our tree early enough. Had a beautiful day picking one out at Fetzer’s Tree Farm in early December, but it sat in the living room with no lights or ornaments for most of the month. I finally got it decorated on Christmas Eve. Part of that was due to a new family member of the furry persuasion. In early September, we found a tiny, 2 lb. orange tabby in our driveway, meowing away. Poor thing was probably starving, because it didn’t take him too long to gain 10 lbs., living up to the name of Hagrid that we gave him. Orange tabbies are famous for having no fear, and he lived up to that too. I figured I would just leave the tree set up for a little while so he could get used to it, and the novelty of climbing it would be gone by the time I decided to hang it with things we call ornaments, but he sees as new toys. Luckily, all went well with that, and the tree stayed standing until Little Christmas.
The holiday just didn’t feel like the holiday. I don’t know why. I’m usually the crazy Hallmark Christmas Lady, with trees in every room, and decorations everywhere. My favorite holiday display is my It’s A Wonderful Life Christmas Village. It took me a few days to put it up this year, in between working on products for orders, and making things for gifts. When I was very young, I used to help my neighbor, Edith, put up her village. Memories of those special days of cookies and milk, setting up a magical town in her basement will always bring a smile to my face. My family didn’t have a village, and I vowed when I was 5 years old that when I was an adult, I would have one. I think of Edith, who was like a bonus Grandma to me, every year when I pull out my miniature houses, and finish them off with a small storm of plastic flakes of “Snow”, because like Frosty’s hat, that’s where the magic comes from.
I usually hang lights all across our barn, and by the side door of our house, but this year I just didn’t have it in me. I stuck my blow up Abominable Snow Monster next to the door, hung two strands of lights that look like giant versions of the old screw in bulbs that my father used to decorate with, and called it good. It was as if I didn’t even want to be bothered with Christmas. I was just in some kind of auto-pilot mode, doing the bare minimum of what I had to do. After checking social media, I realized I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.
I think the past few of years have taken their toll on us all mentally. The constant division and messages of doom the media is always pushing on us, the shut downs, the mandates, the shortages, the economy, the price of gas, the price of everything! It all just finally hit. And it hit hard.
Two days after I hung my lights outside, one of the bulbs blew out. Every time I sat on my porch for a cigarette break, I would look at it and tell myself I needed to fix that. My father would have had it done as soon as it happened. I only needed a step stool and a bulb, both of which I have, but neither of which I grabbed. I left that light out. It reminded me of the light in my life that was gone. My dad. It’s been 16 years since he passed, but nothing with ever fill that hole and dull ache in my heart.
The next night, the light next to it began flickering. It would pop on and off. It didn’t take me too long to figure out that bulb was me. That bulb represented exactly how I felt. I’m here, but I’m not. I’m sure it was just a matter of tightening the bulb to fix it, but I didn’t care. I had just given up at that point and was looking forward to the New Year, when all the decorations came down and I wouldn’t have to worry about them for another 11 months.
I live in a constant state of stress. I know it’s not healthy for me, and I am trying to change that. I decided at the beginning of the year to take a month for myself. I left my phone on the kitchen counter, checking it only in the morning and at night. I got so much more accomplished when I wasn’t getting sucked into the social media vortex, or constantly having to drop everything to help other people out. January was for me. January was the month when I was going to fix that flickering bulb that is my life.
I gained so much headway in January, I decided to keep it going. I’m not just taking one month for myself, I’m taking the whole year! This is my year to take some time to change things around so I am not living in that constant state of stress. I’ve been very productive and I feel so much better. While the stress is still there, I’m slowly learning to manage that too.
In one of my night time social media moments, I saw a video of Eckhardt Tolle in which he explains stress this way, “Stress is a sign that you’ve lost the present moment. The next moment has become more important than life itself.” Wow. He was totally correct. I was so busy worrying about the future constantly, that I wasn’t enjoying any of the present. While I still have to plan for the future, I don’t need to LIVE there, which is what I was doing. I need to start living in the moment again.
The house is one of the few places where I am not stressed believe it or not. Overwhelmed a bit, yes, but stressed? No. I enjoy every minute I am there. Whether it be cleaning cobwebs, moving furniture, packing up boxes, it doesn’t matter. In those times, I am focused on what I am doing and not about paying bills or getting things done. I’m focused on my dream, and I am happy.
I didn’t bother packing up my Christmas Village this year. I left it up until the first weekend in February for my granddaughter who lives in Virginia to see when she came to visit, and after that, I just decided to leave it up all year this year. It still makes me smile every time I walk by it, and I’ve already got one thing checked off the Christmas to do list for this year. Yes, this year I am finally tightening that bulb in the hopes that it will continue to shine brighter.
Renwick House 